Prayer Please

So I'm sitting here thinking and my mind is again brought to my daddy for the billionth time this week. I can't help but just cry. I know with all the confirmations and such that it is and was possible that he repented in time... but it doesn't stop me from saying "I really wish I had gotten to see him one more time and hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him." It seems like it's been forever since I heard him say "I love you baby" yet I can hear it like he was here with me tonight. I do miss him and I know that will never change.

If he hadn't passed away, I would never probably have met my niece (who is her mom's mini-me lol in a good way). I probably wouldn't have seen my stepmom#1 and my stepmom#2 or grandma. Or my lil bro or my stepbro or my aunt or any of them. I had a feeling the day we released his ashes... not only peace and sadness but of "this is how daddy would have wanted it. All of us in one place". I didn't know him well but I knew that he loved all of us- friends and family.

Tonight, I started listening to an Encounter Jam Session off of a website (Christian) and I heard this song, so I decided to post it up here... Kari Jobe doesn't do a great job at it like the girl on the website, but hey, I'm guessing it's her song, so I'm gonna suck it up and put it up here anyway! Alright, here it is: http://youtu.be/UbSMfL5LuSo

I know that You are for me, I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness... In addition to my dad's death I've really been struggling with some stuff- yes the same sins but yet intensified. I need prayers, prayer warriors. Also, let me be transparent for a second. I'm struggling in my walk, someone today told me I need to lose weight (which I do but I don't wanna be a skinny twig either) and I'm stuck in the one thing I've always dealt with. I know it's not going to be easy to break my own will and walk with Christ. It never has been, nor will it ever be. My faith has to be my own and no one else's. Someone said my daddy would be proud of me, and I don't think so-- not really anyway. Not if he knew the secret struggles and the problems and such. Not really. Because I know I'm not proud about how I've acted and handle somethings or even how I am acting and handling somethings.

I've been thinking a lot about the future; who I wanna be and who I am etc. This culture is so annoying because I don't see how in the world anyone could ever think of who they are and who they are suppose to be. We're always told do this and do that yet this and that contradict each other. I don't like that. Yes, I know I'm being all negative. Get over it. I'm done now, though.

Goodnight

Brittany ♥