Love, It is Not Puffed Up

A note about the title: It is apart of I Corinthinas 13 verse 4 is "... love does not parade itself, is not puffed up"

Two scriptures to keep in mind: I Corinthians 4:1-21 (emphasis on verses 6-8 and 16-21) and John 13:1-20 (emphasis on verses 12-17)

We all have recieved what we have now. Rather we "worked for it" or not, it is a gift. The time we have, the clothes we have, the job, the car, the money, the house, the dog, the cat, the kids, the spouse, etc. It's all a gift. Life, as precious as it is, is a gift. Yes, a gift from God indeed. So, why is it that we get "puffed up" about what we have? The abilities/talents we have? What makes it any different from the talents/abilities of others? I mean seriously-- I know we all have different talents and abilities but they are (all) suppose to be for the edification of the Body of Christ, right?! Jesus even said to follow His example, in John 13. Let me talk about that story for a second okay?!

He reached out to the dirty... did you know that? I mean other than mentally knowing that, do you really know it? Well He did. He took time to disciple His disciples and He reached out to the dirty. Could you imagine dirty feet smell? Gross. Sorry, but gross. No one wants to smell feet, right? Okay, atleast I don't. Anyway, Jesus went low and washed their feet and dried them too. A couple of nights ago, my feet were dirty because I had sandals on and I had been walking through the sand/dirt with them on. So, you see when Jesus did that He was humble. He didn't care that their feet stunk. He didn't care that they were dirty. He cared that He loved them and could serve them, even in this "little" way. Jesus said we should wash one another's feet. I just thought about this: we go out into the world and get dirty-- we proclaim the gospel, we get persecuted, we are inflicted by pain, etc. and then we are to wash one anothers feet-- help each other stay the course, point each other to Jesus, encourage one another and exhort each other to live holy...

Okay, so back to the puffed up thing...

Like I was saying, why do we get puffed up and prideful over thing's in our lives? Even in our walk with Christ (you or someone you know) has likely said "_______(insert some sin you do) isn't as bad as __________(this other sin that just seems way worse than the first and someone else does); therefore I'm better than _______(the person who does the second sin)." Okay, you know you've heard this statement before "I'm not that bad" but this statement is only true when we compare ourselves to others, not Jesus. Compared to perfection, we fall very short and we are (quite honestly) very bad--- however there is hope. Simply because we all fall short of the glory of God--- because all have sinned (Romans 3:23). Sin is sin-- period. It's all equal in God's eyes. God can save all. Period. No matter what we think or want to think. There is however no gray with God unlike what we hear so often in our day-to-day lives. "Why can't I have both?" It doesn't work. God's called us to obedience, wholeheartedness and love. Radically. Literally. Everyday. This means denying ourselves, taking up oour cross, crucifying our flesh, & laying aside our selfishness and our pride. Especially our pride. Pride seperates us from God. It doesn't allow us to ask for help or direction. It doesn't allow us to acknowledge our faults, instead it makes us avoid them for our own detrimental state. Pride says you're better than another when Jesus literally said, follow me. Jesus wants us to lose our pride so we can go low in humility--- when we go low in humility and we are walking in total surrender to God's will, we will serve and see God lifted up.

Read Pauls warning of being puffed up in I Corinthians 4. We should instead be thankful for all we have, humbling ourselves before God (not just man but also in our hearts). Let us press on, let go of pride and continue to fight the good fight of faith.

Life... Moving... Just A lot of Stuff...

I have to confess something: I'm not ready. I'm not ready for life. Life has hit me in my vulnerability. I have to say I want to be discipled. Not just have friends. Or head knowledge, which I have plenty of! I'm really tired of that, if I'm honest. In all sincerity, I try to eat on last weeks bread or yesterday's crumbs; I try to drink of yesterday's rain when today it could just as easily pour down again (even right now)... that is if I'm honest with myself. Problem is I'm not always honest with myself. I'm not always this brutally honest about my life. I am not ready for bills and jobs and family and friends. I'm just not. I don't think I could truly be ready anyway. I do think that it would be awesome to know God like I use to... and not in a pretend-like-I'm-a-goody-goody-two-shoes-because-I'm-around-Christians-right-now-kinda-way. Not that I always do that, but I'm serious because we all do it at one time or another... It's time however, to get back to me and God... and it looks like God is providing the PERFECT opportunity, very soon.

This is a simple writing I wrote earlier tonight about what's been going on in my life... but since you don't really know what's been up: let me clue you in for a sec. I've been wanting to go to Africa since I was 13. Seriously been considering going to Africa since I was 15.

My heart breaks knowing it isn’t time yet- for me to go to Africa. I understand that I’m not ready. All that is within me is crying out that "I wanna go God, I really do!" I understand that I’m not prepared for the spiritual battle… Lord knows I’m not even ready for the one right here in my house. My heart is crying because it hurts. It hurts to lay down my own desires and my own will for God’s will. Everything inside me wants to say “nevertheless not my will but yours be done Jesus.” But it does hurt… if I'm being brutally honest. In the midst of this God has given me “kind-of” a better dream/vision for my life. But I don’t know if I can do that either. I just thought of how BJ (from a book I've been reading...) said that we do this [preaching the gospel that is] in God’s strength, not our own. So in the same way, I think we must live our lives through Christ and His love and His strength not our own strength, love, etc. I could see myself just loving on the children in my neighborhood. Considering recent thing’s that has been going on, it may not be long before this opportunity closes it’s door, and that (truthfully) scares me, a lot. What if I miss this opportunity? What if I miss sharing Jesus or His love? I don’t even really know how to do that… not really. I’ve heard it a thousands times but never really had to do it but like once… and that was terrifying too… This breaks my heart and my spirit. Simply because I feel like a failure in this area. Which means I must also pray for guidance and help in this area. Unfortunately, this is me being brutally honest and I don’t really know what else to say. I miss how I use to be… back when it use to be only me and God. I miss it really bad, but I don’t know what I would do without a home church… because God has truly blessed me through these people. They have encouraged, rebuked, and exhorted many times--- both knowingly and unknowingly. I guess it’s time for me to seek God’s life plan for me… and to throw off EVERY hindrance.

Before God. Again. Again. and Again.

I'm sitting here thinking. Probably overthinking thing's again. However, right now inside of me, I can feel the Holy Spirit stirring inside of me. I can't fix the bad situations in my life. I can't escape problems in my life, matter-of-fact I'm not looking for an out--- well not anymore. Tonight I've realized something. I miss those nights of being before God on my face. Nothing to say at times. Other times too much talking and not enough listening. Sometimes in tears. Sometimes in joyful laughter. I miss that. I don't miss however what drove me to my knees. Bad part is not much of what drove me to my knees has changed.

I also thought about NCMC. I can't help but ask myself what is stopping me from going! Is it fear? Fear of failure? Fear of not being able to pay for it? Fear of not being good enough? Fear to leave my mom in some pretty sticky situations and not be able to help her? Isn't this all excuses that don't exceed God's hand. Nine months seem like a long time but it's already been six months since my first mission trip and it still seems like yesterday. Time has flown by. Anyway, back to the whole why am I not going? I'm not hearing anything from God about not going or going. So, truly I need to get on my face before God. Again. &&That is truly okay.

I've also been thinking about mission trips. Should I go on another one? If so when? Where to? Also, what was and is my motive for going on the mission trip? What about school? When will I be done with school? I only need two more classes to get into OTA?! But should I be an occupational therapist assistant? Do I really want to do that? When my heart is telling me I want to help kids in my community... what should I do?!

So, I guess it all comes down to this. It's time to get before God. Again. Again. & Again. I need to rediscover intimacy with Him again. Even if that means being alone. Even if that means losing all my friends again. Even if that means going low and serving my enemies (I remember the night I told God thank you for preparing a meal in the midst of my enemies... Psalm 23:5). Even if it means suffering scoffing, persecution, and loneliness. I'm truly starting to remember why I had to stay in Christ to begin with. I can't make it to heaven without him, but more importantly I wouldn't want to and I definitely don't want to do so.

For those who pray in Jesus' name: please pray that I find the direction I need... I'm tired of walking aimlessly. I'll appreciate it much! Thanks.

Live of the Gospel

"Even so hath the Lord ordained that they which preach the gospel should live of the gospel." I Corinthians 9: 14

Even though other texts reference pastors and apostles making a living from the Gospel, for me I feel like it's saying, "live of the gospel". So, what does it mean to live of the gospel? Living from the inside out. Living your life in a way that glorifies God himself. Everytime I read the I Corinthians 9:14 verse, I am reminded of Ephesians 4:1-6, where it talks about living worthy of the calling you (and I) have in Christ. Everytime I think about that, I also think about this verse from I Corinthians 4:

For I think that God has displayed us, the apostles, last, as men condemned to death; for we have been made a spectacle to the world, both to angels and to men. ¹⁰ Weare fools for Christ’s sake, but you are wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are distinguished, but we are dishonored! ¹¹ To the present hour we both hunger and thirst, and we are poorly clothed, and beaten, and homeless. ¹² And we labor, working with our own hands. Being reviled, we bless; being persecuted, we endure; ¹³ being defamed, we entreat. We have been made as the filth of the world, the offscouring of all things until now.¹⁴ I do not write these things to shame you, but as my beloved children I warn you.

O how I use to want to be a pastor! How right the man of God was to point me to the Bible and say, it's not as easy as you think it is young lady! Oh, but the joy is in Christ and Christ alone. Does he not know that? (Yes, he did; yet he also knew the hardships and the pains of being a faithful pastor as well.) Do I not know that? I see myself as someone who isn't where I need to be in Christ. Even more so I'm still working toward that place of complete intimacy and love. I want to be where I use to be--- but then God's like, no you don't want to be back in that place because you want to be even farther than where you use to be. It's about time for me to stay on my face before God again. It's about time for me to truly face every lie and every chain. It's time for me to stand in the gap again for my family. No one else will, except Jesus - right now He is pleading for them. So even as Paul warned those at Corinth, I warn you also: life isn't ever going to be easy. Simply put we're in need of God to move in our lives so that even when the flood waters start rising, we will see God lifted up in our lives. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of the "Gentiles" blaspheming God because of me, when I'm suppose to give glory to God. Anyone else with me out there? Yes, I'll stumble; yet, no excuse. Yes, I'll mess up; yet, no excuse. I will do the best I can but the best I can do is simply staying before God in prayer and in love and in intimacy and abandoning every part of me for the glory of God. The truth is simple: I must live of the Gospel- simply by abiding in Chirst and He in me.

Not through just words only- like I'm so use to doing... but seriously being before God for our country, our schools, our workplaces, etc. We need intercessors, preachers, lovers of God, friends of the Great King, and people willing to be sent and to go forth... In the Power of the Holy Spirit and in the Truth of the Gospel.

Live of the Gospel. Not from it. Of it. Understand that Jesus was persecuted and you will be too. When you do, endure it. You will be despised because Christ was also despised, in that bless those who despise you. Do good, not evil. Live out the Gospel. Live of the Gospel. Rather your a pastor or an "ordinary person".