Before God. Again. Again. and Again.

I'm sitting here thinking. Probably overthinking thing's again. However, right now inside of me, I can feel the Holy Spirit stirring inside of me. I can't fix the bad situations in my life. I can't escape problems in my life, matter-of-fact I'm not looking for an out--- well not anymore. Tonight I've realized something. I miss those nights of being before God on my face. Nothing to say at times. Other times too much talking and not enough listening. Sometimes in tears. Sometimes in joyful laughter. I miss that. I don't miss however what drove me to my knees. Bad part is not much of what drove me to my knees has changed.

I also thought about NCMC. I can't help but ask myself what is stopping me from going! Is it fear? Fear of failure? Fear of not being able to pay for it? Fear of not being good enough? Fear to leave my mom in some pretty sticky situations and not be able to help her? Isn't this all excuses that don't exceed God's hand. Nine months seem like a long time but it's already been six months since my first mission trip and it still seems like yesterday. Time has flown by. Anyway, back to the whole why am I not going? I'm not hearing anything from God about not going or going. So, truly I need to get on my face before God. Again. &&That is truly okay.

I've also been thinking about mission trips. Should I go on another one? If so when? Where to? Also, what was and is my motive for going on the mission trip? What about school? When will I be done with school? I only need two more classes to get into OTA?! But should I be an occupational therapist assistant? Do I really want to do that? When my heart is telling me I want to help kids in my community... what should I do?!

So, I guess it all comes down to this. It's time to get before God. Again. Again. & Again. I need to rediscover intimacy with Him again. Even if that means being alone. Even if that means losing all my friends again. Even if that means going low and serving my enemies (I remember the night I told God thank you for preparing a meal in the midst of my enemies... Psalm 23:5). Even if it means suffering scoffing, persecution, and loneliness. I'm truly starting to remember why I had to stay in Christ to begin with. I can't make it to heaven without him, but more importantly I wouldn't want to and I definitely don't want to do so.

For those who pray in Jesus' name: please pray that I find the direction I need... I'm tired of walking aimlessly. I'll appreciate it much! Thanks.