Life... Moving... Just A lot of Stuff...

I have to confess something: I'm not ready. I'm not ready for life. Life has hit me in my vulnerability. I have to say I want to be discipled. Not just have friends. Or head knowledge, which I have plenty of! I'm really tired of that, if I'm honest. In all sincerity, I try to eat on last weeks bread or yesterday's crumbs; I try to drink of yesterday's rain when today it could just as easily pour down again (even right now)... that is if I'm honest with myself. Problem is I'm not always honest with myself. I'm not always this brutally honest about my life. I am not ready for bills and jobs and family and friends. I'm just not. I don't think I could truly be ready anyway. I do think that it would be awesome to know God like I use to... and not in a pretend-like-I'm-a-goody-goody-two-shoes-because-I'm-around-Christians-right-now-kinda-way. Not that I always do that, but I'm serious because we all do it at one time or another... It's time however, to get back to me and God... and it looks like God is providing the PERFECT opportunity, very soon.

This is a simple writing I wrote earlier tonight about what's been going on in my life... but since you don't really know what's been up: let me clue you in for a sec. I've been wanting to go to Africa since I was 13. Seriously been considering going to Africa since I was 15.

My heart breaks knowing it isn’t time yet- for me to go to Africa. I understand that I’m not ready. All that is within me is crying out that "I wanna go God, I really do!" I understand that I’m not prepared for the spiritual battle… Lord knows I’m not even ready for the one right here in my house. My heart is crying because it hurts. It hurts to lay down my own desires and my own will for God’s will. Everything inside me wants to say “nevertheless not my will but yours be done Jesus.” But it does hurt… if I'm being brutally honest. In the midst of this God has given me “kind-of” a better dream/vision for my life. But I don’t know if I can do that either. I just thought of how BJ (from a book I've been reading...) said that we do this [preaching the gospel that is] in God’s strength, not our own. So in the same way, I think we must live our lives through Christ and His love and His strength not our own strength, love, etc. I could see myself just loving on the children in my neighborhood. Considering recent thing’s that has been going on, it may not be long before this opportunity closes it’s door, and that (truthfully) scares me, a lot. What if I miss this opportunity? What if I miss sharing Jesus or His love? I don’t even really know how to do that… not really. I’ve heard it a thousands times but never really had to do it but like once… and that was terrifying too… This breaks my heart and my spirit. Simply because I feel like a failure in this area. Which means I must also pray for guidance and help in this area. Unfortunately, this is me being brutally honest and I don’t really know what else to say. I miss how I use to be… back when it use to be only me and God. I miss it really bad, but I don’t know what I would do without a home church… because God has truly blessed me through these people. They have encouraged, rebuked, and exhorted many times--- both knowingly and unknowingly. I guess it’s time for me to seek God’s life plan for me… and to throw off EVERY hindrance.